Tag Archives: respect

The Arbitrary Laws of My Blog

This is literally my domain. I paid a whole $24 for it. In my house, I set the rules.

I admit I’m new to the experience of entertaining many comments on my own blog. But it’s good news/bad news.

I have 207 views in one day, but probably 180 of them are from two…persons who have all day to reach critical rant-hood at me about their pet grudges. So here are my rules:

If you take the trouble to come to my house, and I welcome you in, (that is what I do when I approve your comment), with honest high hopes that you will participate in a fruitful discussion…you must be civil and considerate.

Alternate as well as likeminded views to mine are welcome, as these are the components needed to discuss at all. You are welcome to present the belief that the sky is bright at 2 a.m. or that the Bible was written by little green men, and if you want to discuss civilly, in an adult manner, you are welcome.

But please respect all commenters as though they have something valuable to say. Listen carefully to what has been said, and respond to what has actually been said and not what Jerry Falwell said 30 years ago. If your heavy baggage is full of useless, moldy old junk, leave it outside.

Always respond with consideration and respect. If you are rude, aggressive, angry, offensive, insulting, demeaning, condescending, etc, to my other guests or to me, you will be called on it. You will be reminded of my law and asked to change your demeanor.

If you continue, you will be ignored. I will leave your past comments on the blog so that the world can see how hard you worked to make an ass of yourself, but you will get no further play from me. This is also what I would do if you were a rude visitor in my house: I would stop giving you opportunities to abuse me, and I would stop talking, hoping you would get bored and leave of your own accord.

If you yet still continued your abuse, you would be shown the door, and your future knocks would no longer be answered. You would not be welcome, just as your comments will not be admitted.

Writing does not come easily to me. I work very hard to be coherent because I believe I have a few things to say which, I flatter myself, are uniquely mine; or that I share with relatively few others. I strain my little brain to the max to present my cases.

I want my blog to be a place for visitors to come to discuss, to share insights, to enjoy kind fellowship. By all means differ with me but act like a grown-up. My house is not a place for us-versus-them and neither is my blog. It will not be a battleground or a resting place for bitter agendas, nor a megaphone for your off-topic conspiracy grudge. I won’t be inviting anyone to dump garbage in my home.

Patrolling the internet for thoughts which are in opposition to yours and finding them (surprise!) outrageous does not seem like a productive use of time, but that’s just my .02.

Translate blog activity to the interpersonal context. Some commenters are like a person who  gets in his car, drives to your house, asks to come in, and then expresses outrage at your personal opinions. He stays for four days, sniping at every word you say to anyone, interrupting your conversations with your friends, getting in your face at the end of every paragraph to rant at you that you don’t know the name of the Hebrew god in Batswanan, hah! That proves you’re an idiot!  Then he follows you to other people’s houses and repeats the same arguments and tries to interrogate you on the finer points of his pet theories while alternately yelling that you’re a Neanderthal who can’t think. So you go home to bed and you think he’s doing the same. You sleep all night and wake up to find that he was sitting on your porch all night writing you long insulting notes and waiting to get back in to argue with you some more. If some of these bloggers were physically in my life I’d have to get a restraining order.

But it’s me who’s forcing my ugly beliefs on innocent bystanders.

That said, my blog does have an agenda.  Everyone who blogs has an agenda, even though it may be sharing recipes, chronicling personal journeys, or simply the joy of writing. My agenda is to express my thoughts. I hope my opinions are well-informed and well-expressed; I try. If I have opinions at all, those opinions are likely to conflict with the opinions of some other people.

You may find my view on some issue outrageous or offensive; that’s the reality of living on a planet occupied by free beings and not automatons. I expect that I and others may differ in a free society on a free internet while still respecting one another’s humanity. Express your counter view strongly; use sarcasm; argue all day.  But do it with respect, please.

Love and Respect

It’s often repeated, but I think this one is true.

Women need love; men need respect.

No one can deny that both men and women need love and respect. But there is a difference between the awesome design intrinsic to being a man, in contrast to the beautiful design intrinsic to being a woman.

     At his core, a man has a basic need to be valued by being respected for who he is.

     At her core, a woman has a basic need to be valued by being loved for who she is.

What a woman feels is her most basic and essential need is love—

unconditional,

affirming,

validating,

protective,

lifelong

love.

 

What a man finds to be his most essential and basic need is respect—

unconditional,

affirming,

validating,

supportive,

lifelong

respect.

 

Maybe love and respect are slightly different perspectives on the same thing. Isn’t love respect? Isn’t respect love?

Can you truly love without respecting? Can you truly respect without loving?

You may have noticed that there was a one-word difference in the list of qualities. I said men need supportive respect; women need protective love.  Women need to be protected. Men need to be supported. Here is one place where the designed differences manifest differently.

A man and a woman in a marriage or in a relationship headed for marriage, complement each other.

When she supports him by respecting him, hoping all things for him, she is the missing element he needs to be a truly noble man. He can so much more easily lead when the one to whom he has been vulnerable shows confidence in him.

He values her mind and insight more than anyone in the world…she knows him better than anyone in the world…and she trusts in his judgment and decisions. That trust is powerful.

If he loves her, he protects her. Protectiveness is a beautiful and noble expression of love which does not depend upon the weakness of the protected. The impulse to protect is an expression of tender care. It is an expression of the high value placed upon its object.

Why do any of us need anything; why aren’t we self-contained?

An honest godly man knows he’s fallible. His default identification is self-doubt. That’s why he needs supportive respect from the person he trusts most. It’s objective confirmation that he is ready to lead; that he is a good leader.

We are designed with those lacks. We are made to need what our mate brings to the relationship. As human beings we need to need. It humbles us; it compels us to reach out to others and build deep relationships. It awakens us to our need for God.

And we are all fallible, not lovable, and we know it. We women doubt our value–we doubt our worthiness to be loved, until someone loves us in such a way that we believe it. A woman believes it because she has been vulnerable to him and he knows who she really is, and still loves her. He protects her not only physically; he places high value on her whole being.

Can a marriage survive without mutual respect? Can a marriage survive without mutual love?

As I have said in Submission is Good, the definition of survival is not the tenacious unwillingness to let the spouse go when you’re living in a train wreck. Unwillingness to divorce does not win the successful marriage prize.

What I mean by survival is thriving… both spouses benefitting each other, intentionally supporting and caring, cultivating and growing the relationship.

Have you ever seen a successful marriage with only one partner who loves? Or with only one partner who respects? I never have. A relationship  thrives on mutual love and respect.

 

Submission Is Good

Submission carries negative baggage today.

But submission is at the heart of every successful relationship.

What do we mean by submission?

Here is just a taste of what the Bible says:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

 …and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Place yourselves under each other’s authority out of respect for Christ. Ephesians 5:21

Also:

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. Galatians 5:13

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

How do we identify a successful relationship?

Not all relationships which endure are successful.  There are unhealthy, co-enabling relationships which last because the two people have a death-grip on each other. So what is meant by “success”?

The two questions have the same answer.

Submission to one another is how any type of relationship survives, and remains beneficial to both people, for any length of time. In order to have a good, healthy, loving  relationship, each must be continually submitting to the other…giving some turf, respecting, letting the other choose, giving little rights-of-way to the other…putting your interests before mine.

This is normal, standard operating procedure within relationships to any but the truly controlling.  We take it as a matter of course that this behavior is ideal, even if we don’t always achieve it.

So why do we object so loudly when it is suggested that there ought to be submission within marriage?

Submission– putting the other before oneself –is basic equipment for conducting a marriage. How can we expect to happily coexist with another human being without submitting to one another in the most intimate and intense relationship in our lives?

Submission is what both of you sign up for in front of witnesses when you get married.